Alnwick MAG's Small But Perfectly Formed Rally

26th - 28th March '99

I've been planning to get to the SMBF for some time now but never actually got there. This year somebody got themselves organised enough to order tickets, really quite amazing when you realise that someone was, and still is, Mark The Idiot, cult hero and sex god to the masses. Well OK perhaps not masses but at least to Carol and one small terrier named Thadius the Throat Render who still pines for Marks leg.

Friday

Besides Mark and Carol there was Andy B and Jo, Simon and Lindsey and me. With Mark leading the convey something adventurous was inevitably going to happen. The miles rolled by, Mark's bike soon disappeared up the motorway in blissful, pointless ignorance. Keeping them in sight Simon left a fragrant RS250 odour for us to follow bloodhound like at the rear expecting rogue police to leap from every verge proffering yet more point to our soiled and scared licences.
Leaving the A1 the inevitable happened and plod pounced. The first I knew of this was when I noticed Lindsey and Andy where not in my mirrors. I pulled over and up comes Lindsey looking very shaky, they've pulled Andy and she'd expecting them to appear and give her more points.
We decide to keep going and see what happens. We catch up with rest of the crew in a village and set off again. I'm watching my mirrors, suddenly there's a dayglow Volvo in them. I ease over to let him pass (and give everyone else a chance to see him), but he just stays there and then, as mysteriously as he appeared, he's gone. Do police Volvo's have vertical take facilities or some sort of screening device? Buggered if I know but they scare the hell out of me...
It turns out it was Andy's orange headlight cover that attracted their attention. Good thing they hadn't spotted the ZXR400 - green headlight cover, naughty can and black visor.
The rest of the journey is uneventful as Mark adopts a sedate pace in the twisties until a queue of cars forms behind him. We're at the back of this mobile carpark and deeply embarrassed.
Once on the site we pitch the tents, have a few beers and some food then head to he pub.

Saturday

As it's a nice day Lindsey, Andy, Jo and I decide to go for a ride
Up the A68 to Scotland, turn left then down into Keilder Forest. The roads are clear, well surfaced and dry so we have a bit of a play until we stop for lunch in the visitors centre.
Via a convoluted route we eventually return to the rally site for a repeat of the food, beer and party routine. The rest of the crew have been down the A1 to Newcastle, don't ask me why it's got no bends in it, still each to their own I suppose.

Saturday night is party night, some band is playing in the next room of the pub but as we're comfortable where we are we don't see them. The place is absolutely heaving with drunk bikers and I start to feel all rallyish after a winter of discontent.
Later back at the tents it is bloody freezing. After going for a leak somewhere during the night I'm gasping for something to drink however everything has frozen solid.

Sunday

Feeling slightly hung over we pack up and go home quite early, but as it's another nice day we go via the A68 which is one of the better ways to wake up.

So there you go. For the first time I've got to the Small But Perfectly Formed Rally, cold but good fun but, as is becoming my habit, I don't know who the band(s) where, I don't even know if there was a bike show.